For starters, nothing is louder than two cats with an empty food bowl. They’ll amuse themselves for ages waiting for someone to bring the food. Doing things like using chainsaws, running into furniture at top speed (repeatedly; I guess it’s fun for them), knocking things over, finding the one cat toy with a bell in it that you’ve forgotten to confiscate and carrying it through the apartment at a trot, turning into small elephants and chasing each other around the room, etc.

Even after you feed them, however, they now KNOW that you’re awake. So now it’s time for them to start caterwauling at the door (what? You’re an INSIDE CAT. You go outside on a HARNESS. And you’ve never been outside in any way at 5 FREAKING AM. What play date are YOU missing?), eating at high volume (CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH), cat-fighting for fun and profit, or scratching at any one of a thousand exciting objects including:

They’ve gone suspiciously silent now. I can’t see them in the darkness beyond my laptop screen. They may currently be plotting my doom.

Secondly, there’s nothing ON at 5 AM. Not even HBO has anything good. Every single channel is either infomercials or cartoons… which says a lot about what television thinks of the intelligence of the average insomniac. We must be easily amused or easily persuaded into buying overpriced crap we don’t actually need from people who smile too much. Also note that most children’s cartoons now are simultaneously better drawn and worse drawn than the ones around when I was a kid.

Ahhh, I remember that halcyon time. Before the days of the internet, it was! If you wanted fanfiction, you had to write it yourself! And if you wanted to buy anything you had to leave the house and walk ten miles! Up a hill! Both ways!

And we were *proud* to have it!

And usually I think I have too many webpages I habitually read each morning. At 5 AM you discover there never is enough webpages. Some of them even go missing. Maybe they’re still in bed, where yours truly should be.

I’ve no idea when my body decided that six hours or less is an appropriate length of sleep.

Thirdly, a Crochet Lite H hook makes a very passable magic wand in a dark room.

Well, it’s 7 AM and the husband’s awake finally. Time to start the day. Wish me luck…

Tags: bless me yarn art, cats, courage, dusk, insomnia, midnight, sleep

I wish I had a flashlight.

If I had a flashlight, I could find my USB game controller and that way I could play Actraiser on my laptop. I wouldn’t have to turn on the light and risk waking the husband, who has a test tomorrow. I’ve got the actual Actraiser cartridge for SNES (around here in one of probably 20 boxes), but I would want to play it on emulation so I can cheat bawls off.

And I want to play Actraiser because I’ve got some of the music stuck in my head. I can’t remember if the song is from the Fillmore battle area or the Bloodpool battle area or even the very last battle area. But it’s driving and pretty, in only the way a Japanese 16 bit midi can be.

There’s just simply no way to play Actraiser without the controller, and the controller is in a tangled box of electronics and I have no flashlight. We used to have a small one that we kept beside the bed, but I don’t know where it went. And we used to have a big one that we kept under the bed, but it’s like 10,000 watts and I could flag down passing jets with it, so I would almost be less obnoxious by turning on the lights.

I *could* turn my laptop screen in the direction of the Box O’ Cords and try to navigate by its sterile yet comforting LED light. It’s a thought to be reserved.

There aren’t too many dolls to be made out of the Actraiser characters. There’s really only the Hero itself to
create. Hmm. Call this research?

*immediately goes to download screen captures of the hero*

Bad Vox. Add to the list of things you are Not Allowed to Make.

Hmm. Well, I could begin work on a personal project, due to the fact that I have an LED light-up crochet hook (NOW THAT’S GONZO!)… in fact, I might be able to use it as a flashlight.

Now there’s an interesting balance to find: should I play video games that I can’t use for design fodder, or should I crochet something that may take hours and bore me to tears (that being the voluminous petticoats of the Light Queen)?

Until I decide, I may just play solitaire and read a fan shrine to Actraiser.

Wow, Actraiser had some messed up monsters.

Now, let’s research medieval tapestries, being that I’ve wanted to do my own spin on them. Either make characters from tapestries into dolls, or make a crocheted tapestry (more on this later). Five minutes later, Google has given me more tapestries than I could ever work with in one lifetime — along with the dubious delights of Tapestry Masterpieces and Geoff. Chaucer as a private eye.

Your guess is as good as mine or probably better at this time of morning.

***

Another ten minutes pass; my solitaire game is sadly neglected. In the deep dark reaches of the night StumbleUpon is my best friend. The close dear friend that keeps me entertained and simultaneously lets me blame them for my lack of productivity.

Spent ten more minutes picking the perfect theme for my iGoogle page. We can go ahead and chalk that up to “rearranging workspace for greater ergonomic ease in use.” The Audubon Birds of Prey theme was beginning to bore me; I never saw them swoop on anything.

It’s 2:40 AM and I think my brain is melting.

*************

Here’s where the manuscript tapers off, with blurred references to eye-laser beams and “ladyfingers”. It’s best not to speculate on the final sanity of the subject.

Tags: actraiser, crochet, illness, insomnia, sleep